Of Shadows and Light
by twenty four7bade
Summary: This is set several weeks after TWC. Based on Beck's POV. I tried to give a peek into the mind of Beck Oliver. It's my first Fan Fic!


**Disclaimer: I dont own Victorious cause Schneider's Bakery is too expensive!**

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**Author's Note:Hi guys! This is my first fan fic ever! Actually it's the first thing I've ever ****written! Like EVER, ever! Except for school, but that doesnt count, I HAD to do it! I'm so nervous! I wrote this for Bade prompts #5 my ****prompt was Paralyzing Silence and I chose to take on Beck! I hope I did him proud! Well read & review! I hope you guys like it! ahhh! Dying!**

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"Why is it so damn hot!" asks the lone figure laying on the bed, in the cramped and stifling RV. Even the slight breeze that wafts in through the open door isn't enough to give him the relief he needs, to close his eyes and just fall asleep. Sleep… the only escape he has now from the thoughts and images that stalk him during every waking moment. There are times when he can keep the memories to a harsh whisper, like at school when he has the distraction of friends and their many issues.

But at night, when he walks into his RV, the place that has always been his sanctuary, where he made all the rules and was content with answering to no one, he was faced with the harsh aftermath of his choices and the silence that wants to consume him. He cringes as he recalls the words he spoke to her "I'M NOT HAPPY WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP!" the words echoing over and over again in his mind and each time he recalls his voice saying the words... he remembers her face and the guilt he felt and the automatic urge to wrap his arms around her and apologize, but he didn't… and he hasn't… and all that remains is the silence and he's so desperate to be rid of it that he's even willing to take the damn cricket back! Because at least things were good then, he had _her_ and that was all that mattered. "When did that stop being enough?" he wonders, but the truth is, it didn't stop. He was simply lost.

Back when the fights with his parents started getting more and more intense he learned to simply pull away and hide all his emotions behind a mask of indifference. Over the years he has really perfected it and somewhere along the way it became his default mode and true emotion rarely escaped from behind the mask he wore. That is… until one Jade West came stomping into his life! Brining emotion back into his world... and light. Yeah, light. His friends would probably think he was delusional if they could hear his thoughts! But from the moment they first met it was like nothing he had ever felt before…or since.

Most people think of darkness when they see Jade, but not him. She brought the light and emotion back into his life and it's only now he realizes that she was his emotional compass, his true north. Always keeping him focused in the present, moving in the right direction… reminding him of what was good in his life, by simply… being. He groans as the thoughts try to flood his mind again. He has to busy himself with something or the memories will suck him in and he's not sure how or _if _he would recover should he allow himself to relive all that they've shared.

He gets up off the bed and turns on the TV. Anything to keep his mind from remembering her kisses and the way she felt in his arms. Beck rubs the back of his neck and runs his hand through his hair in a moment of frustration. The funny thing is that the source of his frustration was the one thing he couldn't have. Man he screwed up royally! So many things left unsaid, so much misunderstanding.

How was he ever going to fix this? They've never been apart this long. Even the times he had to go to Canada, he made sure to call her every night before going to bed, so that her voice was the last thing he heard before falling asleep. Fuck! He had no one to blame for this but himself. "Sure Jade was a handful, hell, two handfuls" he thinks ruefully, but isn't that one of the reasons he was so addicted to her? And she is an addiction. "Look at me," he thinks "I can't sleep, I'm sweating and my chest feels heavy"… and it wasn't just from the heat. His heart knew it. It's been shouting at him from the moment she walked out the door at Tori's… and it literally screamed when he heard her car leaving the driveway.

He swears he can hear her saying "Man up! You did this, now fix it!" But Jade isn't there… and as he looks around he knows that her presence remains in every element of his life. But that's Jade… wherever she went, whatever she did, she left her mark. So what do you do when she's gone? Completely unreachable, at least to him. He never thought he would ever have to ask that question.

He knew she loved him. It was in every word, every motion, every glance that she gave him. Even the glaring looks she directed to the braver girls that dared to stare at him too long were a part of how she showed her love for him. "Why didn't I realize it before?" he wonders for the thousandth time, his mind constantly tormented by this question that remains unanswered. "I always thought I knew where Jade and I were going." Every scenario that he ever dreamed of included the two of them together… no matter what.

He's never doubted that he loved her… lack of LOVE was never one of their issues. He smiles as he remembers the first time he sang All You Need is Love" to her. It was after their 49 hour break up over Alyssa Vaughn. She complained about how cheesy he was, but he knew that she secretly loved it when he sang that song to her that night and all the times after that. And even though it kills him, he also recalls lying in bed with her that night, kissing her bare shoulder, the two of them as close as two people can be and the beautiful smile on her lips that he never wanted to see disappear.

So why then, on that fateful night, did he choose to not open the door? How could he betray everything that they ever were, are… or could have been? Why is all this so clear now? "Why didn't I see this in those moments before she reached 10? How could I forget how much she brings to my world?" he berates to himself. A thought comes to him and he chuckles silently in a mixture of self-loathing and dark humor as he contemplates how everyone always believed that Jade was the one that needed this relationship, but what they don't know is that she was at the center of every need or want that he has ever desired. And as he goes over to the RV door and closes it, he wanders back to the bed and lays down, his arms and hands that used to be so full…now empty, and his only companion is the paralyzing silence that once again shadows his every move.

His last thought before sleep finally rescues him from his thoughts is of Jade… his light… Jade… his true north … Jade… who is no longer there to soothe him and keep the darkness and silence away.


End file.
